When I was little, I used to dream about getting married. I couldn’t wait till I could slip on that beautiful gown and say, “I do.” Back then, my mother still had her wedding dress and would let me use it and pretend. I’d slip it on, grab some artificial flowers, and pretend to march down the aisle. All the details were pictured in my little six-year-old head and it was simply beautiful. However, little did I know back then that there was a lot more to planning a marriage than just the wedding. And I never thought much about the ‘for better or for worse’ part.
Fast forward to adult life and almost twenty years of marriage. Unlike when I was little, I can no longer take off the gown and forget about married life, nor would I want to. I can say that now, but there were seasons before in my marriage when I couldn’t. No one ever goes into marriage with the expectations that it’s not going to work. We simply think that as long as we love each-other, it will magically end up like all the fairy tales we read about. But sometimes, even when we love each other, things happen and as time passes by you realize you’re not Cinderella and he ain’t no Prince Charming.
Maybe you know the feeling. Perhaps you’re in one of those seasons now. Every marriage will have its ups and downs, after all you have two imperfect people living in the same space doing life together. But maybe things are more serious than that. Maybe your marriage is on the brink of divorce. Maybe you’ve been betrayed or maybe you’re the betrayer. Or maybe things are just not what you thought they’d be and you’ve lost hope. Might I encourage you, as someone whose marriage was broken, who has seen God create beauty from ashes, please don’t give up. (Please know, if there is any form of abuse taking place, please seek the appropriate help. I am not a counselor or therapist, I am only sharing from my own experience.)
If I took a guess, I’m willing to bet you’re thinking that this is not what you signed up for. When you signed that marriage certificate, you had some pretty different ideas of what married life was supposed to be like. You knew it wouldn’t be perfect, but you didn’t expect it would turn into the perfect storm. Am I right? A storm that blew in out of nowhere on what probably began as a lovely day.
I understand the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. I know the feeling of being so tired from it all that you decide it would be easier to just give in and call it quits. Let me remind you that it’s in those moments when Satan sneaks in and does what he does best… LIE!
He will tell you things to invoke feelings of guilt, hatred and worthlessness. And he’s good at it! His whole objective is to destroy you and your family. He is on a mission and will stop at nothing to cause utter devastation to your marriage. This my friend, is when you must gather up whatever strength you have left and fight. It may not be much, but that’s okay. Just as a boxer has a stance he uses when he fights, you have one too! On your knees in prayer. There’s no better way to fight this fight than face down before the Lord, crying out to the One that makes all things new.
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18-19
I’m not going to lie, it won’t be easy. It will take time and it will take effort that you may not feel like putting in. Depending on the situation, you may have to begin the process to learn to forgive, or maybe you need to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes you will see progress and some days it will feel like you’re hitting a brick wall. Hold on to hope!
God sees your pain and he understands. When you can’t make sense of the emotions that wreak havoc inside your heart, He knows. He sees you, he cares about you and most importantly, He loves you! And He promises to be with you every step of the way! And trust me, when you can’t take the next step, He will pick you up and carry you through. Remember the marriage vows, “For better or for worse”. This is the ‘worse’ part, hand it over to God and trust Him to make it better!
Here are some ideas to help you as you go through this difficult season..
- Seek counsel, either from a therapist or talk to your pastor.
- Stay in the Word. You can’t fight against the enemy on your own, knowing scripture to dispute his lies is a must.
- Confide in a friend. Someone you can trust. Someone to vent to, who will lend their shoulder to cry on.
- Allow yourself to feel how you’re going to feel. However, you want to be very careful not to set up camp in Resentment Land.
- I highly recommend this book called, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
- Listen to Christian music. So many times, the lyrics perfectly say what we can’t . And there’s something very beautiful about praising God through the tears.
- Surround yourself with Godly people who will support and encourage you.
- And lastly, one that I cannot stress enough; pray. Don’t worry about how it all sounds, your prayers don’t have to be pretty. They may not even make sense, but God already knows your needs and wants to talk with you. Pour out your heart to him, he’s listening.
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