Walking thru the Valley 5

Dear Joey,

They tell me that the medication they’re giving you won’t allow you to remember any of this and that’s good, I wouldn’t want you to remember this. I often wonder what you would tell me if you were aware of all that’s happening. Knowing you, I’m sure you would be most concerned about me and the kids.

I’m not doing well, Hun. I’m sure the sleepless nights aren’t helping. When I do sleep, it isn’t peaceful. Every hour that I wake up, I look at the clock hoping it’s later than what it is. Why? Cause that means more time has passed without getting a dreadful call.

This morning, anxiety set in deep as I walked the hallway to your hospital room. The screams from the families losing their loved ones are still fresh in my mind. The incessant beeping of your monitors is driving me crazy. So this morning, as quick as I walked in, I walked out.

Kayla drove me to church and my mom came along. I was falling apart inside and just needed someone to pray with me. Pastor Kerry was there and welcomed us with open arms. He asked how I was doing and I just lost it. I was shaking and couldn’t seem to control it. I don’t remember everything I said, but I do remember one thing. As tears flooded my eyes and poured down my face, I said, “I know God can save Joey if he wants to. He just has to speak it and it will be done. But I don’t know if He will. But I trust Him. And whether or not He saves Joey, I will still serve him.” As we all held hands and cried, Pastor Kerry prayed over us. The shaking stopped and a peace came.

I came back to the hospital, ready to ignore all the sounds, keeping my eyes on Him. It’s peaceful in here now. As I sit at your side, I have worship music playing and I’m thanking God for what he has done and for what he’s going to do! He can move this mountain, Joey. And as hard as it is for me to say this, even if He doesn’t…I trust Him…and I will still love and serve Him, no matter the outcome.

Looking back, I guess this is when I realized that I had finally got to the point where I could pray, “your will be done Lord, not mine.” I’m not exactly sure how it came about, but I believe an earlier conversation paved the path to complete surrender. It was a conversation with my supervisor, Neil.

He read scripture that assured and solidified that no matter what happened to Joey, God is sovereign and He is still good. It’s His nature. It’s who He is.  As Neil spoke, a thought came to mind – it was time to put my faith into practice. Oh I had faith that God could heal Joey if he wanted, there was no doubt in my mind that he was fully capable. But would my faith still stand if he chose not to? It was time for total surrender. It was time to lay Joey at the foot of the cross and walk away in complete faith.

As I write this out now, I can tell you that total surrender was by no means easy. Even though I knew in my heart that God was good and that I could trust him, it-was-hard! But in all reality, I never had control of the situation in the first place. There was nothing I could do to save Joey. It wasn’t up to me to decide if he lived or died. But it was up to me to either live my faith out or deny what I said I believed all my life.

Surrender was hard. But I knew that I was laying Joey into the hands of someone who loved him even far greater than what I did.

My friend, as you read this, and as you face whatever you may be facing, remember this – in every situation, God is sovereign. He is full of compassion. He loves you. He is good, even when our situation is not!