The Valley Can Be A Long, Winding Road. My struggle with panic attacks.

“but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:13

If you’ve been reading my blogs recently, you might have noticed that there’s been a pretty lengthy gap between these last few. Anyone who writes blogs will tell you that this isn’t typical “protocol” when writing. The idea is to try to produce regular, consistent content in order to keep your readers engaged. Well, not this writer. But allow me to explain.

It took me a while to commit to the idea of sharing this particular post with you. My heart in sharing our story is that through it all you witness, as we did, the grace and power of God. But since this post points mainly at my own struggle, I had second thoughts. But I want to keep my word of sharing all that God has done, and if that means opening up and sharing this, so be it and may God use it for His glory.

When I started putting together my first post in January, Joey had not been home very long, having just been released from the hospital mid-December. Everything was still very raw and the kids and I were having a difficult time processing what we just went through.

What most people didn’t understand was that even though Joey was alive and home, our journey in the valley was not over. Unfortunately, the trauma and stress we experienced have had lingering affects.

“Our lives have yet to be back to normal.”

If you’ve kept up with my posts, “Walking Thru the Valley of the Shadow of Death”, https://wonderfullymessy.com/2022/03/27/walking-thru-the-valley-of-the-shadow-of-death-4/ you know that there have been four posts so far into our journey. Joey is intubated, his kidneys are failing, and basically, has one foot in the grave. In reality, our lives are six months passed that point. Without giving all the details at this time, I can say that the valley can be a long, winding road. Our lives have yet to be back to “normal,” I don’t know that they ever will be.

I thought I could write our journey quickly, but it’s more difficult than I thought. In order to give you all the details in my posts, I piece together all the information that I have. I sort through notes I took from doctors, details I remember, text updates I sent out, Facebook posts I posted, and journal entries I wrote sitting at Joey’s bedside.

It’s not easy reliving these moments, but it’s what was happening behind the scenes that was the issue. It all started one morning as I was driving to the hospital. I was talking on the phone to my mom, explaining an incident that Joey had from the day before.

It was a situation that could’ve been avoided, but instead, caused Joey to run out of oxygen, pass out, and convulse in front of me, leaving the hospital staff no option but to rush in and resuscitate him.

As I was explaining to my mom, I started feeling very short of breath. I told her to hang on and I rolled down my window to let the cool air in. My vision felt like it was dimming and everything was closing in. I felt like I was about to pass out.

“God is faithful. I know He is using this too. This whole story has changed me.”

Just then, my daughter, Kayla called. I hung up with my mom and told Kayla what I was feeling. I was on the freeway at the time, but fortunately, I was approaching the exit near her apartment so I had her stay on the line with me as I took the exit and had her come meet me.

Long story short, that instance began what would be a fairly regular occurrence of panic attacks. As my dear friend, who has walked through this journey with us said, “It’s no wonder. You’ve been living on pure adrenaline and Jesus.” Looking back, I whole heartedly agree with her.

Since there was a whole slew of triggers that would instigate the panic attacks, I thought it would be best to take my time in writing the blogs to maintain some distance from thinking about all the details so much. I never had an attack while writing, in fact, they seem to come when least expected. But it only made sense not to consume my thoughts with constantly reliving every detail. Hence the long pause between posts.

I wish I could say that it’s been six months and the panic attacks have ceased, but I can’t. But thankfully, I have found some helpful resources and as always, God is faithful. I know He is using this too. This whole story has changed me.

So to those that read these posts, thank you for your patience as I share these moments with you. Your kindness, prayers, and support through every step blesses my heart and helps bring healing. As always, stay tuned, as our story continues…